We busted out of class, had to get away from those fools; We learned more
from a three-minute record than we ever learned in school.
I was eating brain-shaped unflavored candy and putting on my Mike Martz costume
when Mike Martz phoned suggesting a strategy for Halloween at my house.
“I’ve been calling around,” he said. “You know. People need my advice. I’m
smart and I can teach.”
“Do you mean preach?” I asked.
“If I had more energy, I would be condescending, you idiot,” he said.
“You really are sick, huh? Sorry to hear.”
He didn’t breath for, like, six minutes. Then he coughed and said,
“Chocolate. Kids like the chocolate.”
“Mike, who gave you this number?”
“Damn. I thought I was on the “Do Not Call” list ever since that incident
with Jerry Glanville and the Florida time-share.”
“And videotape them. That way, if they egg your house, you can prosecute.”
“It’s best to be paranoid.”
VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – The Vikings’ Halloween party is crashed by
people dressed as police officers and lawyers. The Panthers think they can
continue to dress as the slimmest of margins. Panthers 23, Vikings 20
PACKERS AT BENGALS – Brett Favre still has his Superman outfit but he
feels silly still wearing it – you know, under the circumstances. Meanwhile,
Bengals’ fans see their own faces in the mirror for the first Halloween in years
– what with the bags over their heads and all. Pride is a learned thing.
Bengals 34, Packers 22
CARDINALS AT COWBOYS – Bill Parcells, dressed up as the jolly fat
version of himself, tells Drew Bledsoe that he is not allowed to be the girl who
wraps presents at the local mall. Josh McCown wants to wear a hero costume, but
the Dallas defense instead assigns him the outfit of jittery casualty.
Cowboys 24, Cardinals 16
BYE AT FALCONS – Michael Vick jealously dresses as Marcus Vick.
BEARS AT LIONS – The Bears get off to a fast start dressed up as the
White Sox, but that angers the Cubs’ fans who are Bears’ fans so then the Bears
dress as Cubs … and lose. The Lions dress Joey Harrington up as a guy on the far
end of the bench. Lions 20, Bears 10
BROWNS AT TEXANS – Two high school teams dress in NFL uniforms. No,
that’s not true. The Texans don’t really wear NFL uniforms….I love the Cleveland Browns but when Trent Dilfer wears his Super Bowl ring this week it sure looks
like part of some costume from long ago. Nevertheless, Braylon Edwards will
begin wearing his Hall Of Fame receiver clothes this week. Browns 41, Texans
REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Obviously, Wellington Mara decided to go to the
game as a ghost. Giants 23, Redskins 21
BYE AT COLTS – Peyton Manning, feeling like a champion, dresses like
Tom Brady, while Tony Dungy spends Halloween as Bill Belichick.
JAGUARS AT RAMS – Trying to recapture the magic, Jamie Martin dresses
as Kurt Warner, while Joe Vitt goes to the game as Dick Vermeil. It doesn’t
work, not on any level, if you really think about it. Jaguars 22, Rams 15
RAIDERS AT TITANS – Steve McNair dresses as a broken leg while Raiders
fans, bored with the evil look, dress like pigtailed schoolgirls in plaid
skirts. “It’s a new era,” proclaims Al Davis, changing out of his sweat suit for
the first time in decades. Plus, John Madden says Davis looks cute in pigtails.
Titans 7, Raiders 6
DOLPHINS AT SAINTS AT SAN ANTONIO – Jim Haslett dresses like a
referee. At the end of the game, a touchdown scored by the Saints is mistakenly
put on the scoreboard for the Dolphins and the NFL refuses to admit the
scoreboard operator’s mistake. Dolphins 21, Saints 20
BYE AT JETS – Jets fans can only hope some USC player dresses up like
a Jet next year.
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – LaDanian Tomlinson is seen putting his costume on
in a phone booth. Chargers 30, Chiefs 24
EAGLES AT BRONCOS – Jake Plummer can’t believe how fun it is to wear
his Jake the Snake costume again. Donovan McNabb dresses up like Terrell Owens.
So does Terrell Owens. Broncos 26, Eagles 21
BUCCANEERS AT 49ERS – Jon Gruden dresses like Chucky and everyone
tells him he looks nothing like the character. Buccaneers 39, 49ers 19
BYE AT SEAHAWKS – Shaun Alexander dresses like a player that someone,
anyone, outside of Seattle cares about.
BILLS AT PATRIOTS – Tedy Bruschi dresses as a doctor, while Kelly Holcomb wears a Tim Couch costume. Patriots 30, Bills 20
RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ray Lewis, not playing, dresses as Edgar Allen
Poe but then an actual raven flies in from the sky and eats him because Edgar
Allen Poe is, well, dead… like the Ravens. Meanwhile, Bill Cowher gets his chin
pierced. Steelers 32, Ravens 7
Do you ever just want to take out your eyeballs and juggle them because you
can’t believe what you just saw?
Watching Eli Manning drive Giants down the field last week was one of those
eye-juggling moments for me – when I noticed a star football quarterback wearing
a Giants uniform. I hadn’t seen that in a while. And that’s when I realized,
it’s not the costume but rather the person wearing it that counts.
And that’s why football is just like Halloween.
This column is sponsored by opponents of the NBA dress code.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com